Post No.2: Dirty Bottom

I’m sorry. I know you’ve heard this a million times before but you’re about to hear it again:

This is one freaky time we’re living through.

And as things progress I notice that people are dividing into two camps:

Camp 1: those who can’t bring themselves to communicate
Camp 2: those who can’t stop communicating.

You see, I am one of six siblings – two of whom are introverts, two are introverted-extrovert, and the other one’s a raving extrovert like me and Madonna (who seems to have lost her mind).

If you ever catch me singing into a hairbrush about fried fish then please: SHOOT ME.

My third sister (an introvert) has adopted a Lutheran morning routine that I am secretly in awe of. Up at 6, down to the kitchen to prepare a pungent brew of masala, assam, ginger, cardamon & turmeric before bounding back upstairs for some Wim Hof breathing, followed by 30 minutes of meditation, followed by 8-minute abs, followed by half an hour of reading the unreadable Ulysses, followed by a cold shower, followed by a ‘duty’ ie) cleaning black mould off the bathroom window or sifting through agonisingly painful family photos before she is finally allowed breakfast – a swamp of spirullina, chlorella, chia seeds, linseeds, ground almonds, pumpkin seeds pre-soaked in hot water. Yummy.

Contrast this with my routine which consists of the following:

Sleep in till 9:30, wake up with hair like Jimmy Saville’s mother’s mullet. Have a jumbo coffee and drip fried egg all down my nightie, give Jane Garvey a chance before turning off Woman’s Hour in disgust. Send and receive funny memes and leave gratuitously long voice messages on friends Whatsapps until lunch, eat the things I promised I wouldn’t, frown over the news and google ‘when does a sore throat become a Covid-19 symptom?’ followed by ‘where is Shakira’s private island hide-away?’ Then consider doing Joe Wicks but only get as far as putting on my lycra so mitigate that by making a healthy smoothie with so many seeds that I bust the nutribullet extractor blade so abandon the idea in favour of going back online to like/post comments on Instagram & Facebook until it is wine time.

So. Who is happiest? The introvert or the extrovert?

Well the introvert is happy because her gut biome is singing and her muffin top is shrinking as she continues to defy the second law of thermodynamics which is entropy. (I had to get that in because that is my second favourite fact. My first favourite fact is that the earth spins on its axis at 1,000 miles an hour).

And the extrovert is happy because she has spent aaaaaaaaall day pleasuring herself and ringing her little bell calling out “Ting a ling a ling!!!! Here I am with my little bell, can you hear it? Can you hear my little bell? PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN HEAR MY LITTLE BELL?!?!” and received enough validation to last her till Netflix at 9.

Here is my favourite french extrovert. But before you go, please come back again because I haven’t quite finished…

Watch video here

And finally.

Why was loo roll the most panic bought item? According to psychiatrists, the general public’s recent obsession is based on the need to take back control in a situation where everyone feels out of control. And everyone’s thinking the same thing: “Clean bottom, MUST have a clean bottom…If the Reaper has my postcode in his Satnav I will NOT have a dirty bottom as my legacy…I will NOT.

And then I imagined the scene of St. Peter summoning me to the pearly gates: “Rose Wadham? Former rollerskating waitress, wife of 19 years and mother of two? Hmmm…you seemed like a good woman except for that unfortunate business with the…Oh DEAR! What’s this I SEE? DIRTY BOTTOM??????


Finally, for those of you who are suffering from a surfeit of time here is an episode from the award-winning Radio Four drama  ‘A Minute Passed

Watch video here

Much love. Stay Safe. More fool next week. 🌹 X